Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
I was stuck in an airport.
Again.
I was sleeping on the ground in the corner because I had a layover.
I woke up.
Here is what came to mind:
"Wow. it's Thanksgiving and I'm sleeping on the ground in an airport. Maybe I should run on to the tarmac and jump into a jet engine."
But I stopped myself. "Perhaps that attractive woman looking at magazines near the kiosk will come over and have sex with me."
Then some guy steps up and kisses her on the cheek. Bastard. Look at him. All showered and sweatered and holding Fortune magazine.
Man, I need some hope. I look for it in the face of a young boy two rows away. He catches me and bellows out, "Mommy, that creepy guy is staring at me."
His mom is the attractive lady I was looking at ten seconds ago. Now she whispers something to her sweatered lover.
He puts his arm around her, pulls his son close and gives me that, "Why don't you just kill yourself, you creepy airport-sleeping motherfucker?" look.
Oh go play golf, you maincure-getting, comfortable-shoe-wearing dope.
I check my phone, see who called. Nobody. Hmmm. Okay.
I take out my notebook, work on material.
She says, "You're just afraid of your feelings." Of course I'm afraid of my feelings. Who am I? Michael Bolton. I don't know what to do with feelings. That's why beer was invented. So we didn't have to feel."
I peek over at the happy family. Now Dad is dozing. The kid is picking his nose. Mom is eyeballs-deep in OK magazine, wishing she was rich(er) and young(er) but not as lonely even though she has a kid and a husband and friends she shops with almost every day.
She truly believes if she had better tits and was banging George Clooney, she'd have peace. Maybe she is right.
I'll get a cup of coffee. That will help. Yeah. Then I'll be jumpy and have to urinate. Perfect. There is always action in the men's bathroom. "Hello, Congressman. Is that your shoe or are you just glad to see me?"
God, I hope my shows go well this week. I need my shoes to go well this this week. I have another two flights Monday morning. Two more airports. Lots of jet engines.
