You are forty-one soon.
That is true. In three days.
Comment?
I will be forty-one on December 23 and that sure is something.
Does it bother you?
I suppose but so many things bother me that it gets lost in the pile.
The bother pile?
That's right, which is right next to my poopoo undie pile.
The good news: I found out I like craisins.
Craisins? That's a dried cranberry snack, right?
Oh yeah. You nailed it. "A dried cranbery snack". And the beatles were a "musical band." And having peepee relations with a hot sexy woman is "pleasant."
You dumbass. Craisins rule!
I stand corrected.
You stand dumb and fatass smelly.
What does that mean?
I don't know. I lash out when I am angry.
What are you angry about?
Vagina! Penis! Shit!
Let's change topics. What have you been doing lately?
Same old stuff. Although I did walk the picket line the other day.
What picket line is that?
I'm in the writers guild, you shithead. We're on strike. Don't you know anything?
How did you get in the writers guild?
I wrote for the Keenen Ivory Wayans Show one billion years ago. Only dinosaurs and Jesus watched it. That guy watches everything. I also wrote a pilot for ABC that didn't get shot.
Wow, you are a real success. What was the picket line like?
It was like any other kind of line except we were holding pickets and cups of coffee and gobs of envy and resentment. There were some famous people there walking with us. Mariska Hargitay. Chris Noth. Bylthe Danner. Eric Bogosian. I talked to the guy who co-wrote Blazing Saddles, Norman Steinberg. He is still funny.
I also saw my friend Mary Birdsong. She is in the above photo in her Reno 911 outfit. She is debatably one of the three most talented people I know.
She will be on Broadway in Hairspray soon.
I will go watch her.
Can I go?
With me?
Well, yeah.
You're not going to try anything queer are you?
I doubt it. What do you consider queer?
The normal stuff. Two men. Penis in bottom. Penis in mouth. Penis in hand. Hugging. Kissing.
I can't imagine why I would do any of those things.
You can't imagine? Or you definitely will not do any of those things?
I definitely will not do any of those things.
Because I don't want to embarrass Mary.
So you would be into those things if Mary wouldn't see you?
No!
Just asking.
Stop asking. It's a closed topic.
Anything else?
Regarding?
Anything.
Anything else regarding anything? What kind of interview is this?
A shitty one. I'm no good at this.
Slow down. What's wrong?
My mom caught me masturbating.
You have a mom? But you're a voice that lives in my head.
Wrong. I'm a voice that lives at his mom's house which is in your head.
