Brad Pitt

Anyway, I am in Omaha this week performing stand up comedy. Earlier I went to the lobby and treated myself to a Granola bar and a weak cup of coffee.

I thought of a good quote for my tombstone.

Life - it was all so embarrassing and no one knew what they were doing.

There's a new movie out, The Assasination of Jesse James.
It stars Brad Pitt.
They say he might get an Academy Award nomination for his performance.

Bradd Pitt has been a major movie star for well over a decade, not to mention very very rich. He has banged scores and scores of world class, sexually dynamic women. And after getting all he could out of Jennifer Aniston, he now uses his man part on admitted bisexual Angeline Jolie.

And he might win an Oscar?? Who did Satan fuck to create this guy? Oprah? No one has a life like that. No one. He could have painful stomach cancer and boils covering his entire face every day for the next five years and still have had more good fortune than 99.9% of the world since time began.

Brad Pitt didn't hit the lottery. He runs it. God calls him for advice and Brad tells him to call back, because he is busy having sex with his Oscar winning girlfriend. How does he live with himself?

They say Brad Pitt campaigns for good causes, that he does things to help save the earth. Of course he is trying to save the earth! The earth loves him. If the world dies, his sexual and financial gravy train ends.

If the world ends tomorrow I get out of thousands of dollars of credit card debt and a two-decade-long depression.

People will tell you, "Famous people have problems too." And I tell them shut the fuck up. I realize they have problems. But their lives are so out of sync with what they deserve. It's not their fault. They got lucky. It's just irritating.

Why so much to so few? Why so little to so many? Why Ben Affleck? Why Rebecca Romain? Why Julia Roberts? Why Bon Jovi? Why Tim McGraw? Why George W. Bush? Why Sheryl Crow? Why Brad Pitt? Why do I care?

It just seems like the people who won in high school are still winning. They always win. Winners win.

Losers mostly lose. Some losers have done okay. The Ramones. Jake LaMotta. Frederick Exley. Ulysses S. Grant. Howard Stern. Quentin Tarantino.

But most days it is not enough.

That's why beer is so popular. It makes everything okay in a person's mind. After a couple beers Brad isn't some grown up frat guy with a supermodel wife. He's that dude who was in Seven.

Maybe I am just jealous. No. I'm definitely jealous. Jealous and horny and broke. And angry. And other stuff that Brad Pitt isn't. It is all so embarassing.

Promotion

So I taped that Comedy Central Presents a week or so ago.
That went well and the people were very nice. Comedy Central also aired this special I did for The Bob and Tom Tour last night. So...
Hold on a second.
What?
What's with all the bragging?
I wasn't bragging I was just informing people (fans?) of what I have been up to.
But you're only mentioning good stuff.
Yeah. So...
Well, that's just sheer promotion. You're doing nothing more than tooting your own horn.
Nice contemporary reference.
Be that as it may, if you were truly just

informing people of what you have been up to

, you would also mention the fact that you spend the majority of your time by yourself being exceedingly unfunny. Pacing your tiny bedroom, gulping coffee, chastising yourself for past mistakes, missed opportunities, ugly transgressions and staring at hundreds of photos of naked women.
People don't want to hear that shit.
How do you know what your fans want? You almost never talk to them. Acting all shy and uncomfortable when they come up to compliment you after your shows. You're such a phony.
Maybe I am.
Maybe?
So you think I am?
I try not to be.
How?
Well, I guess by saying as little as possible. That way I am keep track of all my words and make sure they are true.
I just think it is hypocritical of you to chastise people like Jennifer Aniston, Dane Cook, or Sara Jessica Parker, or Bob Saget or that Goo Goo Dolls guy and whomever else decides to put their name behind a product when here you are doing the exact same thing.
But the product is me...
What is so great about you?
Well I just taped a Comedy Central Presents a week or so ago...
There you go again. Stroking yourself.
You asked me a question. I'm answering it, you piece of shit!
So the best thing about you is that you taped some insignificant comedy special on a cable channel? And , oh yeah, I looked it up. They've been giving those specials to comics for the last ten plus years. Ten years, twenty plus comics a year. Yeah, you are truly one in a million, Nick.
Look. I don't want to argue. I'm just trying to do more blogging, because people say that's good to do for the fans. I don't know.
Hey, I'm not trying to bum you out. I'm just trying to keep you from becoming one of those people you hate.
Too late.
No. You're okay.
Really?
Yeah. Now take your pill and go to bed.
I am a little tired.
Of course you are. You're a weak little man with no backbone and zero integrity.
Fuck you!