You Again

You're too uptight.
I'm doing the best I can.
You should do better.
How?
Just do better.
How?!! Give me one suggestion, you prick?
Yelling at me isn't going to help. That's part of the problem. You're so angry.
Of course I am angry. For twenty five years people have been telling me to do better, feel better. But no one has any good ideas on how to do that.
Drink less coffee
Oh, thanks. I can already feel my problems melting away. Less coffee. Of course. Why didn't I think of that when I was paying thousands of dollars for therapy, anti-depressants, double vodkas on the rocks and cigarettes? What a fool I've been.
Oh I get it. You are being sarcastic. And passive aggressive. Another sure sign of maturity.
Who even asked you to show up here?
Your brain.
My brain told you to come and make me feel like shit?
No. He said you were struggling with...everything. He suggested I come down and find out what the problem is. Think of me as a spiritual detective.
I have a better idea. I'm going to think of you as an assheadfuckpoo.
Whatever floats your boat.
How about I jam my boat up your ass?
Sounds latently homosexual to me.
I give up.
Of course you do. You're a coward. An angry latently homosexual passive aggressive coward.
You're the worst spiritual detective ever.
I'm trying to provoke you. It will help me better understand your problems.
My problems are the same as every other person on earth. Disappointment with myself and those around me.
Interesting.
Seriously. That whole spiritual detective thing is a joke. Right?
No. No. It's a real job. You have to take a six week course to get certified. Cost me eight hundred dollars.
You have money? I thought you lived in my head.
What are you stupid? Of course I have money. How else am I going to buy food and socks?
Where do you get food and socks?
At the Duane Reade here in your head. There's always a line.
It's the same down here. By the way, I am sorry I called you the worst spiritual detective ever. I just...I don't really have any experience with people in your line of work. Do you have a badge or a card or something?
Yeah, I got something. A business card. Here. Take one.
Nice.
Thanks. Only cost me sixteen bucks.
Where did you have these done?
Staples.
There's a Staples in my head?
And a Chipotle.
I knew it. my head is a sellout.